I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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