I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
