ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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