Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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