Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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