normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
