My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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