I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
