I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
