If you die in college, do you die in real life?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
