Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
