I just saw a hot homeless man
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
