Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
