it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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