I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
