How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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