Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
