Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
