I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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