i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
