im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
