So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
