youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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