My nipple is on Facebook.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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