im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
