Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
