I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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