I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
