Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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