i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
