on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
