My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
