My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
