i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Let's paint friendship bongs
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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