A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
