Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
