I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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