She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
