im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
