She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
