Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
