You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
