The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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