The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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