Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
We got so high we made milksteak
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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