I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
