Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
