Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
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