I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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