hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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